The following post is from Charles Qualls, associate pastor at Second Ponce de Leon Baptist Church in Atlanta. This is a part of his on-going Marriage Helps series.

Did you see the movie “City Slickers?”

You know, the one with Billy Crystal and the late Jack Palance?  In this hit 1990’s film, some middle-aged guys go to a dude ranch to experience a male bonding trip.  If you did watch, then you may remember that Palance’s tough character (“Curly”) vaguely urged them to discover the “One Thing” that mattered in life.  They begged him to tell them what this one thing was.  But, he insisted that they needed to discover the secret for themselves.  In this piece, you’ll hear me propose that there is “One Thing” for marriages that might be the key to enrichment!

For a marriage, what might be this mystical “one thing?” 

Okay.  This may not be fair.  But like Curly, I’m not going to tell you just yet.  Because if I do, you’ll just quit reading before you get the disclaimer.  And, you need the disclaimer!  So, let’s do that first:  As the subtitle above states—there are many important dimensions to any kind of healthy relationship.  The Marriage Helps series discusses many of them.  But, this one may be the central value that drives all the others.  In other words, if this one is in place then how you deal with other aspects like communication, partnership, competition, frustration, conflict resolution, money management and decision-making will likely become more intentional. 

Will you just tell us already?!

So now, here we go.  Finally, here is the one thing:  I have evolved toward a conviction that all marital values and behaviors are driven by the extent to which we want equal good for our spouse.  Or, let me say this in a different way.  A true marriage features a want for our spouse to consistently get as much of what they need as we do.  There it is.  Now let that sink in.  And I anticipate that you are tempted to say, “Well, this doesn’t seem like such a big deal.”  On the surface, this could sound so obvious and so small that we miss the power.  But, stop your self long enough to really consider.  In fact, let me ask you a question. How many people do you honestly feel that way about, such that you want equal good for them?  Please read on because…

…most of us are more selfish than we care to admit

If we are being honest– I dare bet that most of our lists would be pretty short on people with whom we could

• live over an extended period of time
• own a home
• invest/spend shared financial resources
• reproduce and share parental duties healthfully
• share the vulnerability of our deepest intellect and honest opinion
• travel 
• AND truly esteem highly enough that we generally want equal good for as our own selves. 

For all others, there is that line across which reality lies.  The line across which, on a given issue, we could be forced to admit “I love you—but I love myself more.”  I know, I know– this is conflicting for Christians, especially, since we feel we are supposed to love everyone in this way.  But, if we’re honest we know that we don’t.  We simply don’t love everyone in this way.  We can’t even love our own spouses in this way 100% of the time.  But, our vows are to try.

How can this be The One Thing?

Here is how I believe this One Thing takes on such power.  When we find someone that we can actually partner with in this way, then our living takes on a different quality.  We will manage our money with their hopes, dreams and needs in mind just like our own.  We will deal with them truthfully and with integrity.  We will work to resolve conflict in as healthy a way as possible because we want to be careful about long-term damage to the relationship.  When we value our partner equally, we will manage our attraction for other people so that boundaries are in place that help protect against inappropriate relationships.  Importantly, we must get this same level of integrity back from them over time.  When we want equal good for our partner, we are careful about embarrassing them in front of others, and we monitor our competitive urges more.  Preserving the long-term viability of the partnership and love become as important as any single issue or impulse. 

Then, why don’t we get this right more often?  Why are there so many divorces?

In the intensity of young/new love, I believe this relational value may be present in a fairly unconscious way.  But as we grow comfortable with our partner over time, this value has to transform (as do the nature and style of our love generally) to where it is more conscious.  Life will challenge our ability to remember our value for equal good.  Life will cause us to need to draw on the vows and commitments we have made so that we keep on making the choices that bring about this equal good for our spouses.  Therein is the challenge.  None of us will be able to do this 100% of the time.  We mess up occasionally.  We get mad at our partner sometimes.  But, some eventually lose touch altogether with this value that came so easily back when they fell in love.  I see many of them come through my Divorce Recovery program.  They are especially sad. 

The cautionary tale of Hollywood marriages

As I write, news of the latest Hollywood divorce filing has broken.  I won’t even name the couple because we are mostly numb to these headlines.  Names would only serve to date this article prematurely.  Is there something we should learn from these seemingly fake and other-worldly marriages?  I believe there is.  My theory is that Hollywood marriages connect with ours  in one central and instructive way: most feature two partners each of whose celebrity requires a team of people building a world that revolves around them.  How humanly possible would it be for most of us to suddenly set that orientation aside where our one spouse is concerned?  Practicing this one thing runs contrary to their very state of celebrity.  However, we probably don’t notice how similar a world many of us construct for ourselves, too.  At least in miniature.

When we practice This One Thing

When we want equal good for our marital partner, we live as just that– a partner. There simply aren’t that many people we’ll live that way for.  Friends are friends.  Relatives are relatives.  But, this ability to love actively and purposefully is rare.  The payoff, though, is powerful.  Marriages that don’t simply last—but thrive—seem to discover the power of partnership.  They seem to have unleashed the power of equal good.  This quality of healthy love does more than endure.  True partnership enriches both spouses, and renders their lives different (better!) than they would be otherwise.  Again, how many people can you share that kind of love with?  Not many, really.

(Charles Qualls is associate pastor at the historic Second-Ponce de Leon Baptist Church in the Buckhead community of Atlanta.  He is an author and conference leader in marriage enrichment. He actively works with a variety of pre-marital, married, and divorced relationships. You can reach Charles by e-mailing cqualls@spdl.org.  © 2012)