By Laura Stephens-Reed
It seems like every issue in our culture is contentious these days, and it’s not much different in the church. Ideas and practices that once seemed like foregone conclusions are now up for debate. That unsettledness is not totally a bad thing. It means that we are learning and discerning, then applying our new understanding to the best of our ability. That is growth.
Still, it can be challenging to have the kinds of discussions that promote these good outcomes. These conversations cannot be undertaken casually, because they are weighty with emotions and history and long-held beliefs. Here, then, are some considerations when your congregation needs to address a difficult issue:
What makes this issue important now? It has not been pressing enough to formally talk about it before now, and you could kick the can even further down the road, whether or not that delay is advisable. Something, though, is prompting the need to discuss this now, and it’s important to name what that thing is so that you stick with the conversation even when it gets increasingly challenging.
Who will be having the conversation? Baptists will likely want to involve everyone in the church at some point. That might not be the starting place, though. Maybe a standing board or committee agrees to have the discussion first, then broaden it. Alternatively, the congregation might appoint an ad hoc group of spiritually mature, respected individuals to get the ball rolling. Whatever the approach, there must be room for a range of perspectives. There will never be ownership of a discussion’s outcomes unless all viewpoints have been represented.
What is it that we are working toward? If you are hoping for resolution of a conflict, what are the markers of that reconciliation? If you are aiming for a formal decision, what form will that take? There will come a point when some people think the matter is closed but others don’t if there’s no clarity about the goal.
How will we be with each other? Start with congregational values, both lived and aspirational. If you hold to these touchpoints in the ways you carry out these conversations, what will that look like? What behaviors will you avoid? How will you hold one another accountable? Create a covenant that includes all of this information, and reference it regularly.
How will we root our discussions in worship? There is something different about having hard conversations in the context of church. We are, after all, drawn together in a community around our desire to know and love God as fully as we are capable. That means our interactions are rightfully framed by worship – or, to use a cliché, practices that help us remember who we are and whose we are.
What common ground are we starting from? There will be disagreement. It will get uncomfortable. But this is normal! Otherwise, this wouldn’t be a tricky discussion. So start with what you can agree on. This alignment might come from mutually held beliefs or a desire to do what is best for the church. When you know you share some important commitments, this helps you to assume positive intent in with those with whom you are in conflict.
What will our process be? Design a conversation that takes the time required (in other words, do not rush), creates space for everyone to share the experiences that inform how they’re approaching the issue and has clear signposts that the discussion is moving from one phase to the next.
How will we build everyone’s trust in the process? Communicate, then communicate more. There is no such thing as updating people too often or in too many ways when a difficult issue is in play. Share any information you can without breaking confidentiality. Let people know whom to contact with questions, concerns or ideas.
How will we take each other’s temperature along the way? The most vocal people will leave you with no doubt about where they stand. Others, though, will hold their feelings close to the vest or might be slowly changing their minds in ways that surprise you. Ask some simple questions such as, “What’s the state of your being as we prepare to wrap up this meeting?” “What is your biggest question right now about this issue?” “From one to five, where would each of us locate our level of agreement with [this statement], with one being not at all in agreement and five being total agreement?”
What happens when the conversation is over? This is partly a question about next steps. It is also about clearing the air. Maybe there won’t be much to dissipate if your process has been intentional and inclusive. Maybe there will be more to name, because everyone being precisely on the same page is a rare outcome. This is an important moment in your congregation, because you have done this hard work together and influenced the trajectory of your church’s ministry. Acknowledge all the feelings – relief, joy, disappointment, anger – and decide how you will move ahead in a continued relationship.
Having a hard conversation well is a way to be church, because it involves acknowledging the reflection of God’s image in each person, caring deeply for one another’s values and struggling with the real tension between wanting to get our way and wanting to follow God’s lead. When we can hang in there when the temperature rises, we’ll have the opportunity to forge stronger bonds, learn from each other, and notice new-to-us ways that God is at work.
Laura Stephens-Reed is a clergy and congregational coach based in Alabama. She has been credentialed as a Professional Certified Coach through the International Coaching Federation and as a Certified Mentor Coach, and she sits on the faculty of two coach training schools. She has also been trained as a Congregational Consultant and an Intentional Interim Minister by the Center for Congregational Health.