By Colin Kroll

Brittany calls her mom on the way home from work every evening to vent, tell funny stories and maybe even hear a word or two of assurance to help her remember that she matters more than she feels like she does. She knows which subjects to avoid so that the call doesn’t escalate into an argument or a lecture. She just needs someone to hear and support her. She can’t risk losing this part of her day.

Trey returns to his apartment, flops on the couch and queues up his favorite sitcom to unwind.  Even as he smiles at an episode he’s seen countless times, Trey feels a stirring of sadness. Why does it feel like the relationships portrayed on the screen are less scripted than the evening he just spent with his friends? Why does it feel like he has been playing a part all night just to be sure that things wrapped up the way they should?

For young professionals like Trey and Brittany, simply seeking out new relationships may not be what they need. Like many of their peers, they may be working more hours and hustling more than they can possibly sustain just to ensure that they don’t fall behind. The relationships that they already have are crucial to their survival, but maybe the lack of confidence in those relationships is also preventing them from thriving. Is it possible to imagine that those relationships could be redeemed rather than replaced?

What if the loneliness young professionals are experiencing can’t be addressed just by creating more connections? What if the real work is in addressing the fragility of the relationships we are cultivating?

What if the good news for young adults isn’t simply that churches can help them find new communities, but that we as churches are living our calling as we support people who seek reconciliation, courageous vulnerability and generous resilience in relationships?

Imagine if Brittany’s mother were part of a community that framed healthy relationships around empathy, curiosity and generosity of spirit rather than shared mindsets or worldviews. What would it mean for Brittany when she could begin showing up fully and authentically in those daily phone calls instead of worrying about a disagreement causing a fracture between her and someone she loves?

Imagine if one of Trey’s friends were part of a community that encouraged authenticity and sacred vulnerability in relationships instead of maintaining the comfortable façade of self-reliance. What would it mean for Trey if one of his friends modeled courage, forgiveness and gentleness in their friend group rather than upholding the agreed upon script?

Maybe Brittany would go to church with her mom the next Sunday to see where this change is coming from, or maybe Trey would his friend’s Bible study to meet others who are living more authentically.

Maybe the point is that God is at work making old relationships new again so that we all can experience love in the ways we long for from the people God is placing in our lives.  

Cultivating beloved communities isn’t simply an exercise in intentional networking. It’s also an act of redeeming, reconciling, restoring and rooting relationships that allow us to thrive. While there can absolutely be value in connecting young adults to peers and mentors through the work of our congregations, there are also many young adults who already have plenty of relationships. They don’t simply want more of them; they desire more from them. 

So how might we go about this work in our communities? I invite anyone reading this to join me in prayerfully imagining next steps beyond those I can name on my own in the comments; but I wonder if there might be a few places we can focus:

We can deepen our commitment to listening: Regardless of the generational makeup of our churches, we can be intentional about inviting our communities into courageous conversations that cultivate our ability to listen well to those with different opinions. In the words of Chris Aho, director of Thriving Congregations, we can shift away from “listening as a litmus test,” seeking cues that we are aligned with one another or in opposition to each other. If we can help our communities approach our relationships less like stages for debate and more like spaces for curiosity, we can also help them better support one another during difficult times.

We can deepen our commitment to forgiveness: If there is any subject in which followers of Christ should be well-versed, it is forgiveness. But even as someone who grew up in church my entire life, I still find myself struggling to know how to forgive when conflict arises. While there are certainly circumstances where one must cut off a toxic relationship, we are also witnessing increased willingness to sever relationships over disagreements and hurts that can be reconciled. By attending to the work of forgiveness as a spiritual practice rather than only an ideal, we invite those seeking healing in their relationships into the first step of reconciliation. 

We can deepen our commitment to our existing relationships: If we are serious about helping people invest in their relationships, we must also recognize the necessity for time in this work.  Quality time for conversation, play, meeting one another’s needs and faith formation is essential to growing rooted relationships. But we often feel the pressure for this growth to happen on our properties, on our schedule or among our people. Can we reimagine some of the times that we often use in our communities for gathering and programming as intentional invitations for people to be more present in the relationships in which they want to invest? 

The good news that rooted relationships are central to Christ’s redemptive work in our lives shouldn’t be exciting only for young adults. It should be exciting for all of us who long for communities that are less fragile and more authentic, who desire sustainable relationships but who can’t sustain shallow connections and who desire to love and be loved more deeply by the people that God has placed in their lives. 

Colin Kroll serves as the CBF Young Adults Ministry Manager. He works to address the needs of young adults in CBF churches and ensure they have the necessary resources.