By Laura Stephens-Reed

Thirty years ago, author and radio talk show host Gary Chapman published his first book on the five love languages. While the initial volume was geared toward helping romantic partners deepen their understanding of one another, Chapman has expanded the use of his love languages to parent-child relationships, friendships and even to workplace connections. The concept has become so ubiquitous as to become, at times, tongue-in-cheek: “Tacos are my love language.” (I have no quarrel with this sentiment.)

The actual love languages as outlined as Chapman are as follows:

Words of affirmation – verbally encouraging, giving genuine compliments and/or expressing love. Examples: writing a heartfelt thank-you note or noting aloud what you appreciate about a person.

Acts of service – doing helpful things for someone. Examples: running errands or doing chores for another person.

Quality time – being fully present and unrushed, engaging in activities that the other person enjoys. Examples: spending tech-free time with someone you care about or happily participating in one of their hobbies.

Gift-giving – bringing thoughtful presents, though not necessarily large ones, to someone. Example: picking out a trip souvenir that you know a person in your life will find meaningful.

Physical touch – offering compassionate, appropriate, wanted contact. Examples: giving hugs or fist bumps, whichever the receiver wishes.

There are a couple of key factors here. First, in order to help a person feel seen, heard, understood and valued, we must find ways to communicate with them in their preferred love language. Second, we need to recognize that the love language we typically default to in showing love might be different than the language through which we best receive love. For instance, my usual love language is setting aside time to be with a person; but I feel most loved when someone offers childcare or picks up dinner or groceries.

The five love languages are not a perfect tool – such does not exist. But I think they can be really useful. I try my best to communicate in all five languages with my child, knowing his primary love language has not yet emerged. I think (hope) it has made me a better parent.

But there are untapped ministry applications here as well. Take pastoral care, for example. (Note: I use the qualifier “pastoral” not because this care has to be provided by an ordained clergy person but because I want to set it apart from a casual visit with a church member.) While many pastors and laypeople approach it as a one-size-fits-all ministry, it isn’t. Some care receivers might value a caregiver’s full attention for a couple of hours, while more private church members might much prefer to get a thoughtful text or note or a casserole dropped off on their porch. Some care receivers might really want a hug, while others could be quite put off if we go in for a big embrace.

This need to consider our expressions of love goes for ministries in our larger contexts as well. If you operate a community meal for those who might otherwise go hungry, some of your diners desperately desire real conversation. Some, though (at least until they come to trust you more), simply seek a good meal or referrals to service providers or toiletries to get them through the week. And some might be looking for opportunities to care for others out of their abundance of love, helping to clean up or form relationships with their fellow diners.

Then there are relationships between ministers and members. If we’re offering words of affirmation to people and the preacher doesn’t balance prophetic messages with more pastoral ones, it could be harder for clergy and congregants to click. If the minister’s wide-ranging job description doesn’t allow much time for long pastoral visits and that’s what care receivers crave, resentment could build. (This is not to say that pastors should try to be all things to all people. It is to say, though, that ministers and personnel committees and pastoral relations committees should be sensitive to these dynamics, educating the congregation about them and finding creative, sustainable ways to meet needs.) 

I wonder how many swings and misses in ministry are the result of our not realizing there are differences in how people experience love. I bet it’s a high percentage. So, what do we do? We – clergy and laypeople – can start by becoming aware of how we best receive and most often give love and then talk openly about that. It might be a vulnerable conversation, but just having it will build trust and connection. Do this in a Bible study. Do it around tables at a potluck. Do it one-on-one. Do it at your community meal. Do it as part of worship, because truly seeing the other, made in God’s image, is very holy indeed. On the original day of Pentecost, the miracle was that the Holy Spirit enabled Jesus’ followers to talk in new-to-them languages so that the crowds were able to receive what they were saying, despite the range of nationalities present. What might be possible if the Spirit opened up in us the ability to love in new ways? How might the Church grow in influence if more people (including us) felt seen, valued and cared for in modes that they recognize? In this season after Pentecost, may the Spirit fill us with new caregiving languages and make us more ready to receive the thoughtfully-offered care of others.

Rev. Laura Stephens-Reed is a clergy and congregational coach based in Alabama